So I know my blog has been, for the most part, pretty silly. But every now and again I write something seriously from the heart. Being transparent is not something I do naturally, but the more I do it the more I like it, weird. Anyways, this is going to one of those, so if you don’t care to hear the inner workings of me then I suggest this is as far as you read. Well here goes:So for girls disciplship we are reading Jeanne Mayo’s book Uncensored, if you haven’t read it yet I strongly reccomend it! This is my second time around. There is so much truth jam packed in there, plus its so easy to read, you could fly through it without really digesting it all. Well this time around I had another revelation due to Chapter 8: R-rated dating advice from the scriptures. In this chapter Jeanne talks about how everyone desperately needs to feel like they belong to someone, the “Longing for Belonging”. Wait what? You mean I’m not the only one who feels like this? I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cried out to God just asking for him to take that desire away. Life would be so much easier without it. But after all didn’t God make us in his image? Jeanne brings up a great point. Not only do we as humans have the desperate desire to belong, but so does our Creator. “Even the one and only God of the Universe ‘longs to belong’–to somebody, somewhere, sometime.” I read this over a couple of times before it hit me…that “somebody” that God longs to be with is me! It’s all of us. The God who created everything, who could have anything just by opening his mouth, longs for me??For everyone who says Christianity is illogical, I’m right there with ya on this one. That just doesn’t make sense, but either way, it’s still the truth. And I’m happy it is. But thats not the end of it. Since we were created in God’s image, we too have the “long to belong”. But ours is different. God’s heart longs for intimacy with people; whereas he created us to long for him. It’s that whole “God-shaped hole” theory. God created us with a void in our hearts that could be filled by Him and only Him. But so many times we (especially me!) get caught up in trying to fill that void with cheap imitations of God i.e. friends, relationships, drugs, whatever. We think that if we have the best friends or the best boyfriend/girlfriend it will fill that void and make us feel complete. But what happens when you “have it all” and you only feel more empty than when you began?Welcome to my life! Before becoming an intern in August, and entering into reality, I was your classic case of searching for fulfillment in ALL the wrong places. I would definitely have to say my biggest down fall was dating. I thought that once I found Mr. Right I would be completely satisfied. Well after several failed attempts over the course of 5 years, and multiple broken hearts later (and with a little help from the big guy upstairs and jeanne) I’ve come to the concrete realization that my relationship with Jesus Christ is the only place where I will find true stability, intimacy, and consistency that makes my heart feel safe, fulfilled, and whole. And until I get to a place where I am content with Him alone, my heart will always be restless no matter how amazing of a person I may be with.So all that to say, “I need to deeply and completely belong to Someone. So once again, Lord, I choose to make that someone You.”Ok now I’m sure you’re all wondering what these pictures are all about. Growing up in Florida one of my family’s favorite vacation spots was St. Augustine, Florida. So when I saw the author of the quote in my title it brought me back to those days. I remember visiting the Fort (the picture above) and having my dad stuff me and my sisters into old cannons while my mom watched in horror. I have pictures to prove it. Then we would move on to the old wooden school house, which would be the cause of many many nightmares. Inside the school house there were many animatronic students, one of which I’m certain was the devil himself (also pictured below). Aww I miss St. Augustine!
So there it is. I guess you could say thats 2 blogs in 1!
Filed under: Growing stuff
So for those of you who don’t know I recently moved back to Colorado to do an internship with Orchard Road Christian Center and Marylin Hickey Ministries. So far its been one of the best experiences of my life, while at the same time being the most challenging and painful experience. Being an intern is no walk in the park! I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve uttered the words “This is not what I signed up for!” But nonetheless God called me here so I know everything I endure is for a reason. I really just feel like every mindset I’ve had the past 19 years of my life has been completely wrong and now I’m starting out as a little kid, relearning everything God’s way. Now don’t get me wrong I had amazing Christian parents who brought me up the right way, but somewhere along the way I wandered off the path. And I came out here to be changed, I really did. I wanted to be broken, I just thought God would do it gently…not so much. I mean he is a gracious and merciful God who doesn’t want to hurt us, but at the same time, he’s not going to sugar coat anything. He breaks us because he loves us and he knows we’ll live the best life if we’re living in right standing with him. But sometimes we’re a lot bigger of a mess than we like to admit. The best way to describe it is I feel like I had a dirty room and before I came out to the internship I cleaned it up and made it all pretty for Jesus, I thought everything was perfect, then Jesus came in and lifted up the rug. And let me tell you there was some scary stuff under there! And after he lifted the rug he took a deep breathe and blew it everywhere. So now everyone could see what a mess my room was. And now all I want to do is just sit in my filthy room and cry. How could I ever clean this mess up? Its impossible! But luckily, my God’s in the business of doing the impossible. Which brings me to a song! I first listened to this song over and over because I liked the thing he did with his voice 
but then I listened to the words and it blew my mind:
This Providence
Anything is possible
Hey, hey I could run away.
Run away from everything I know.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way.
Because really, I gotta get away from me.
Is there any hope for a boy/girl like me?
Is there any, any hope for me?
There’s gotta be.
And yeah, well I can hear you say,
“Anything is possible.”
But my life is such a mess.
And we’ve already been through this.
And though we’ve been here before.
Anything is possible.
So many years all alone in the dark.
Well it’s time to get out.
It’s time to get out.
Hey, hey I danced away.
Countless nights with demons out of sight.
And I took to their foolish games.
But really, I gotta get myself out of this scene.
Is there any hope for a boy/girl like me?
Is there any hope for me?
There’s gotta be.
I’m so ready to be free.
And yeah, well I can hear you say,
“Anything is possible.”
But my life is such a mess.
And we’ve already been through this.
And though we’ve been here before.
Anything is possible.
So many years all alone in the dark.
Well it’s time to get out.
It’s time to get out.
I’m hoping on an overwhelming grace.
I’m praying for this dream to come true.
And yeah, well I can hear you say,
“Anything is possible.”
Even cleaning up a mess like me.
Well it’s time to get out.
It’s time to get out.
And yeah, well I can hear you say,
“Anything is possible.”
But my life is such a mess.
And we’ve already been through this.
And though we’ve been here before.
Anything is possible.
And yes, I’m a mess.
I’m lonely and dirty.
But it’s time to get out.
It’s time to get out.
Yeah, that pretty much nailed it! But if that didn’t give you enough of a peak into my heart and soul, here’s a second song:
She feels lost in her life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she’s where she’s supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away to see how steps she’s making
Might be taking her to who she’ll be
And suddenly it isn’t what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I’m supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here
She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she’s afraid of being free
There’s a way she knows is right
She can’t feel the things she knows
And so each step she’s taking is a step of faith toward who she’ll be
And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can’t see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she’s always been
